LIFE: Then and Now

Two blogs in one night? I  know. But I have to share this experience with all of you. So, consider it a special treat!

Throughout my life, there have been few occasions where I have experienced the true power, emotion, and inner strength as I did this past weekend. This past weekend, I had the opportunity to participate in the Leadership Initiative for Excellence (LIFE) two and a half day seminar here at CIMBA. This seminar is designed to get one thinking about one’s personal development, self-awareness, and the innate qualities that make one a leader. It is designed specifically to push you to your limits; to take you places you have never quite experienced before. To say it was unique would be an understatement. To say it was life changing would also be an understatement. It was a journey through myself — past, present, and future — and a test of strength, passion, courage, and conviction.

Day One (Thursday):
Imagine walking into a room unfamiliar and dark. Seven people walk in, heels clicking, faces stern, suits stiff. “YOU MAY EAT YOUR DINNER NOW,” they scream. Heart pounding, palms sweaty, eyes darting from person to person, fear of the unknown seemed to plague all of us. Do we go out to the buffet in a single file line? Do we eat in silence? Are we allowed to smile? Questions circulated around and around in my head. I was dizzy with the thought of everything I was about to encounter, expecting the worst.

My first session on Thursday evening was the most frightening of them all. I was given five minutes to write a three-minute speech on punctuality. After, I would have to get up in front of my group and present my speech with projection, passion, and conviction. It didn’t seem too bad. However, when I got up to give my speech, it was a bit of a different story. My knees shook, my palms were sweaty, my heart raced at some extreme (probably unhealthy) speed, and I immediately forgot everything that I had previously written down in my LIFE book prior to speaking. I rambled on about punctuality and it’s importance during business, community activities, personal life (weddings and child birth), and how time is valued in different cultures. How I got there, I don’t know. All I remember is the big sigh I let out when one of the black-suited terrors rang the bell to signal my finale. Unfortunately, I failed that assignment. As the black-suited terrors explained, I chose to fail myself. And, ultimately, they were right. Did anyone pass? No. Every single person in that room failed that first assignment. But I was soon to learn that failing produces a fierce sense of motivation that I have never quite experienced before.

Day Two (Friday):
After only five hours of sleep, I was back at LIFE Friday morning at 6:55am. The black-suited terrors had lost their suits, but not their stern faces or frightening voices. “YOU MAY EAT YOUR BREAKFAST NOW,” they scream, once again. I still shook with fear — but fear of what? The unknown? The unexpected? And the questions began circulating once again…

My second assignment was to act as though I just won $100 million dollars. Realistically, this would never happen — especially not to me. I don’t even buy lotto tickets! I had to rely on my acting skills for this assignment. After watching several of my teammates complete the challenge (sometimes having to repeat the challenge two or three times), I made a pact with myself to give it all I had on the very first try. This way, I thought, I will save my voice, some energy, and, hopefully, some humiliation. I was only willing to humiliate myself once. So, naturally, when I found myself doing the sprinkler and the grocery cart while screaming at the top of my lungs, I realized that the “don’t humiliate yourself” reminder had pretty much been flung out the window. To add to the show, I did some jumping jacks, kissed my game show “host” on the cheek, screamed I “just couldn’t believe it” more times than probably necessary, and nearly lost my pants. So much for saving myself from embarrassment, right?

When I sat down after my performance, I felt different; something happened to me during that second assignment. Whether it was the will to pass (and not fail myself or my teammates) or whether it was simply a sleep deprivation that caused me to act crazy, I will never completely know. But it was after this challenge that I began to see myself, and the LIFE experience, in an entirely new way. They were challenging me; they were pushing me to show my full potential. They forced me to focus on the task at hand and not the other thoughts going through my busy mind. I have never experienced a moment of clarity in the way that I did following that challenge. The process began to make sense. Although I still had no idea what was ahead of me, I was surprisingly okay with that. The fear of the unknown still resided inside of me, but the fear didn’t take over my will to want to succeed any longer.

As it turns out, Friday was the most powerful session for me. Later that night, we were given wooden boards and instructed to write our biggest barrier to leadership in marker. Then, on the back, we had to list three things we would do after we broke through that barrier. For me, admitting any barrier was a job all in itself. I fear many things — those many things are all individual barriers to leadership and, ultimately, to myself. The now-khaki-wearing terrors told me to narrow it down to one. In the end, I realized that my biggest barrier to leadership is the fear of letting others down. So, naturally, the khaki terrors wanted me to break through it on my own. I thought this would involve writing yet another speech that I would have to present to the group regarding my fears and my ambition to get past it. What I found before me, instead, were two cinderblocks placed one foot apart, a cushion for my knees, and my fist on the center of my fear. With emotion, power, conviction, and passion, I was told to break through that barrier (not just the board) to successfully pass this assignment. Before doing so, though, I had to share with the group my barrier and the things I would do better once I broke it. As my fist punched through the board, I felt a sense of power I have never quite experienced; a sense of relief. I didn’t notice that my hand was bright red or that it throbbed; I instead felt the power of the wide array of emotions I was feeling by breaking through my biggest barrier. I felt the onset of tears. I felt happiness. I felt relief and power and passion. And it was at that moment that I realized that the khaki-terrors were not really terrors at all — they were powerful people pushing me to test myself in ways that I have never quite been tested before. They were helping to me to get an even clearer picture of the person I am and the person I know I can be.

Day Three (Saturday):
After another night with only a few hours of sleep, I was back in the cafeteria at  6:55am. This morning felt different; it was calmer, more relaxed than the previous morning. It seemed all of us had shared in on a unique experience the night before. We broke through those barriers together — we were the witnesses of strength, power, passion, and conviction. Although this marked the last day of LIFE, I can proudly say that breakfast was calm because we weren’t fearing anything anymore. We knew that, as a team, we would handle anything the coaches gave us. That trust alone was more powerful than anything else I have experienced with a group of people who were only strangers the afternoon before.

Of course, the final exam was the most difficult. With no preparation, each of us had to stand up and shout with passion, conviction, and strength what we were going to do to make a difference for five minutes. Meanwhile, our entire team had to cheer us on. We had to tell the others how we are going to make a difference in our lives, the lives of our family members, our community, and our work. Stepping up there, I shook — just as I did with the first assignment — but this time it wasn’t of fear; it was because of the wide range of emotion that I was still feeling from breaking through my barrier the night before. I don’t remember much of what I said (er, yelled) during those five minutes, but I do remember how great it felt to know that my team supported me for exactly who I am and who I want to become. That feeling was far more powerful than anything I have felt prior to my exam. LIFE, it seemed, allowed me to bond with these people who I knew nothing of the day before…but I felt they were like family by the end of my five minutes.

Graduation:
LIFE challenged me in ways I never thought I would be challenged. It taught me to reach inside myself, to find strength in places I never knew I had it. LIFE had me question the choices I was making, the direction I was going, and the person that I wanted to become. In my opinion, few opportunities present itself in life that allow us this kind of breakthrough. I can honestly say that I woke up Saturday morning with a newfound appreciation for myself, the choices I have made, the people in my life, and the direction in which I am headed. I feel blessed to have had such an opportunity; I wish it were possible for everyone to experience something similar to LIFE. I am more confident, more self-assured, and can proudly say that I feel better equipped to handle anything that gets in my way to a successful, powerful future. LIFE made me a better, stronger, more powerful individual, friend, sister, daughter, girlfriend, student, and employee. Thank you, LIFE, for giving me the power of life.